ur in a relationship where u love that person w/ all of ur heart, but there’s that smaaaaaall feeling of doubt. Like if it’s gonna work out. Like not wanting to get married everytime u argue because ur afraid it will be worse once ur married && it will be too late to get out of the marriage. I hate the idea of divorce. But I don’t want to leave………..because he makes me extremely happy. But he also makes me extremely sad. It’s such a turn of events everyday. Like when we have our incredibly happy days, I’m so afraid to talk about how “great” things are going “lately”. THOSE KEY WORDS.
I’m afraid to say them out loud anymore because I feel like everytime those key words are said, things will soon become bad. Like life just got instantly JINXED. && I HATE being afraid of being happy. I feel so lost. Idk wat to do because he’s my everything. && w/out him, I feel like I will be nothing. But it is like this amount of stress I feel when we have our bad days…….I always ask myself………..
…….Is this really wat I want? Is this worth it???……..
…….listening to fkn dope ass music is the best……WHILE HIGH!!! hahhahahha„„„
Seriously tho…….if u haven’t done that at least ONCE in ur life, u are missingggg OUTTT!!!!! I’m telling you……
I’ve honestly always wanted to feel past the “normal” happiness that I was supposed to feel, according to the norm or according mostly to my parents. To them, being Just Enough was acceptable. That getting just enough was all that I needed. According to them, there were LOTS of things that I was supposed to feel or believe. However, it was like I was trapt when I was with them. Like continuing on the journey I’m on right now is what I have always needed all along. Being all alone. Well not completely alone. In fact, it’s the exact opposite, thanks to God. I am NOT alone. I am accompanied by someone extremely special to me. He’s been my first Everything. First Love. First Official Date. First Official Boyfriend. First Real Relationship. First Real Kiss. First Time……He’s been my everything. && the sad part is that my parents can never, WILL never understand the type of impact Jerome has had on me in my life. He’s affected me in so many ways, it is as though I have known him my whole life.<3 They will NEVER understand the type of relationship I have with him. It may not be perfect. He && I have our own issues we are settling thru. But everything Jerome && I have been thru these past 2 years, it feels as though it has been an eternity………..So yes, in my own fking mind, && I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m trying to have everything revolve around me, I’m really not. In fact, I wish everyone on earth w/ many issues in their lives can feel the same happiness I feel right now….<3
I honestly MYSELF wish that I can feel this happiness…….for much longer than tonight…… In my own solitary, exceedingly-epic, ever-changing world where everything feels incredible, explosive, soft && subtle, loud && fucking grooving, lovely as fuck fucking little, yet big ol’ WORLD OF MINE!!!!!!
Where nobody can bother me. Where nobody can tell me what to do. Where whatever I do is right. Where I can dance all night. && sing all day. Feel forever free, Hand && Hand with God. Oh….how I wish life was as fixable as a broken letter. With a little tape, if only everything could be held && put together. God is that tape tho. One day, on that one judgement day, I pray that he accepts me. I hope && pray God sees past my foolish ways. Past all of the crap I have done. I also hate to say, what else I might do……..That sounds like the lamest excuse, u kno?? It’s like were purposefully trying to keep on sinning && playing it off by saying “What?? I’m only human.” Like stop it already. That’s the oldest excuse in the book. When are we all finally going to stop giving excuses && when are we actually going to start living purely??………..
Wow…………….all of this shit came from a mind under the influence…..lmao, from a high mind comes beauty from within….—-Tati.<3